Justify
It’s not hard to see our urge to fit in, belong, be liked, be a part of. Whether we’re 16 or 43, the source of the hardness that comes out in our behavior is often transparently obvious – our unease and discomfort with ourselves, our fear of being rejected, excluded. If we can’t get in by playing the game right, we push it all away by acting like it doesn’t matter. Whether I’m playing or pushing, what is it I believe, cling to, rely on? On what, or whom, do I fix my gaze? In the world, I am a lawyer, a second wife, a stepmother, a barren woman. Labels I am reluctant to claim, identities I don’t fully recognize, roles I fail at, wear uneasily, want to apologize for, justify, and explain. I am afraid, I don’t know what direction I’m supposed to take. I don’t know what anyone is expecting of me, but I know I’m not measuring up. When I look at myself through these lenses I feel broken and condemned. “What is wrong with you?!” I demand with my voice shaking. “Maybe I’m just